Act of Defiance
by JannP
Summary: Joey and Pacey never ended their relationship, but now it's a year later and no one knows.  At least, not until a shocking turn of events forces them to reveal everything and come to terms when it all changes.  AU.  Rated M for smut and adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:** So here's a story I started and played around with for a long time before I started posting it. It is still in progress, but (as I normally do) I have the ending written already. I swear it will get there at some point. _

_There wasn't room for much of a summary up front, so bear with me for just a second. The whole story idea came about with two things: wondering how Joey and Pacey would've handled their relationship differently if they didn't end things for Dawson's retarded sake in the ep "The Longest Day"; and secondly, the idea of a secret relationship in the song **The Secret's in the Telling **by **Dashboard Confessional.** I recommend YouTubing it because it's amazing, but I'm going to post the lyrics at the end anyway. So after I took off with those two ideas, it kind of made season 4 a weird mix of AU and my own twisted reality. Basically, disregard anything you know until it's mentioned again. Anything after mid-s4 is totally gone. I hope you like it!_

**_Disclaimer:_ **_In case anyone actually cares anymore, I don't own Dawson's Creek or any of the music I use. I'm sure Kevin Williamson really misses the extra $0.50 in royalties suing me might possibly earn him._

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**Act of Defiance**

They say there is a code. The code is complicated; the code is unwritten and secret. The code must not be broken under any circumstances. Allegiance is simply a silent agreement, a pact between friends. The code is not made for trivial friendships or acquaintances and cannot be taken lightly.

There are many codes that fall under this definition in varying degrees. Every day of our lives we are bound by codes of behavior. All of these codes are social manners of commonly accepted conduct, but the code I'm referring to goes deeper than that. The code I'm referring to involves blood brothers. The code I'm referring to is not as vague as the man's code or a code of intimacy. It's an odd combination of the two, a code followed in a friendship that is lifelong and meaningful and deep.

Dawson and I became blood brothers when we were a mere eight years old. Something about cutting our palms with a knife seemed enticing and far exceeded any health warnings that had been passed down after a rash of hepatitis cases at our school. It occurred to me many years later to question why grade school children, even just the one who started it, would have hepatitis to pass around in the first place. However, being among the least judgmental in my own social circle, I never voiced it out loud. My eight year old mind paid little attention to the warnings, even the one in writing that was sent home from the school for our parents to sign.

In becoming blood brothers, we made an agreement with each other to follow the code. The intricacies and exactly how complicated it would all become later never entered into our minds. I'm not sure we were aware of the code's existence at that time. I still couldn't say how it became life-affirming and life-defining.

It's safe to say that the code has become steadily more complicated as we've grown up. It's been reserved for only the most serious topics. The code does not include items like the fact that I've been welcome to raid the Leery fridge at my own discretion since our bloodbath that fateful summer afternoon. It doesn't include permanent standing invitations to Friday night sleepovers, nor does it include unlimited tolerance for seeing full-priced new releases bearing the hallowed name of a certain Hollywood director. Apparently, _his_ name is so holy I'm not allowed to speak it after questioning the revisionist nature of the Jurassic Park screenplay.

But no, the code only includes things that mostly will not be revealed here. The main topic of the code has been part of both our lives since well before a time we can remember. Although it was largely the three of us in the friendship, there were no girls allowed at the fort and no girls involved in codes or bloody antics. We used the excuse that Joey was too squeamish to participate. It was a lame excuse at best. Joey was the girl who has punched both of us so many times that at least one of us had a broken nose at any given time throughout every summer of our childhood. As a result, she has seen enough bloody noses to last a lifetime. Joey was also the girl who always found the biggest frogs, was the first to swing into the moss-covered pools of unknown content (and then it should be noted, picked on Dawson so mercilessly he would run home crying when he wouldn't make the leap), and the first to stomach whatever ungodly "food" she'd come up with that anyone would try for a quarter. The girl made Fear Factor look like a gourmet delicatessen.

No, Joey never factored into the code until the summer we were thirteen. That would also be the first summer she had anything resembling breasts for those keeping track at home.

Not that there was an issue with it. At first, the code cleanly stated that she was the third brother in our misfit family, and as such was above any sort of sexual harassment from either of us. The code stated this was incest and would not be tolerated.

The code changed when we were fifteen because it took Dawson approximately two years to notice the breasts. Well, those and everything that came with them.

I hear thick-soled sandals thumping on the worn wood of the dock and look over. It takes my eyes a brief moment to adjust to the light of streetlamp. I smile during the adjustment because I know just who is wearing those thick-soled sandals.

Joey smiles back down at me. "What are you doing all the way out here by yourself?"

"I have a hot date." I say simply as she pulls up a plank next to me.

"Well, I wonder what she'll think when she sees me sitting here."

"That's debatable. But she's way hotter than you, so you should probably hit the road, don't you think?" I look over my shoulder to verify this dock and the area are in fact, deserted as she lowers her voice.

"Is that any way to treat your covert girlfriend?"

"You haven't used the password yet. How do I know you aren't going to rip off your plastic face to reveal the face of my sworn enemy?"

A sly smile sneaks over her face. "I guess it's a chance you'll just have to take."

"Where did everyone else go?"

"Well, the party kind of died after you left," she says simply. "Dawson went home alone because no one else was really interested in reliving the latest disaster that he rented, Jen had to check in with the Grams by eleven, and Andie was so tired that Jack agreed to drive her home and tuck her in."

"And you?"

"I have to get up early to do my paper route tomorrow," she said innocently.

"I can't believe they're still buying that excuse. It's been almost a year and they don't know you've never had one."

Her grin grows slightly evil. "I can't believe they're still buying the excuse that you've taken a vow of celibacy," she says and wriggles a little closer.

I chuckle. "I don't think I told you that Mitch commented on the improvement in my school performance. He attributes it to the celibacy." I snap my finger and point at her. "Oh, and Jen is very pleased that I've started thinking with my more northern regions."

"If only they knew," she says, moving closer. I close my eyes and inhale her warmth and the soft scent that is indescribable and uniquely hers. I instinctively tilt my head down and kiss her. By now, her kiss is achingly familiar and warm.

We made an agreement to keep the kissing a secret. Really, we made an agreement to keep all of it a secret, well over a year ago. The potential of disastrous fallout was just a little too much for us to bear at the time. Joey had so recently sent her father back to prison and had been very hurt by Dawson's sanctimony in the process. I was trying to put things together after Andie had been institutionalized and come home just in time to start the ball rolling on a long and painful breakup—followed by the timely re-demise of the relationship between my father and me… we just decided to take the more selfish course of action. We acted on our baser impulses and kept those actions secret from everyone we know. Of course we've discussed going public, but it would so easily explain some of the thinly veiled excuses we've used that a quick retrospective would give more information than we want to divulge.

That, and there's the code.

See, there's another code that could be mentioned. The code I was speaking of before refers to the friendship that Dawson and I have. This other code is the code of exes that is now shared between Joey and Dawson. Not only is dating the girl your best friend lusts for taboo, it turns out that dating your ex-boyfriend's best friend is, too. Apparently, circle dating is not accepted in any circle of long-standing friendships.

The unfortunate thing is I think I bore these feelings for her long before Dawson and I hit fifteen years of age and he realized that Joey is a girl. I loved her before she discovered makeup, blow-dryers, or short skirts. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for at least the last one on that list. The code gave me the short end of the stick. It's the code's fault that I may potentially end up choosing between Dawson and Joey, that I can't just have them both in my life. But it's completely my fault he dated her first, thereby enacting the code clause that I've cursed every day since then.

She pulls away, although it is hesitant. She rests her hand on my chest. "What's wrong?"

I lean back on my hands and assess her face openly. Her lips are slightly swollen and her cheeks are flushed. Our make-out session may have been slightly more heated than normal, which is saying a _lot_, due to lack of available time lately in the wake of graduation. Saying I feel badly for derailing our limited physical contact is an understatement. "I'm just thinking about the code."

She sighs and tucks her hair behind her ears. "Have you given any more thought to Boston?"

I close my eyes and I know the agony of indecision is written all over my face.

"It would be so much easier for us there," she says softly. "You know Jen and Jack aren't going to be angry with us. Dawson will be all the way in California by then. We won't have to tell him. And even if he finds out, we'll be far from the prying eyes of this small town. Maybe all that will make this whole process smoother for everyone."

I look over at her. "But what if there's some crew jock who charms you and Worthington and you drop me like I'm hot? I mean, let's face it…"

She rolls her eyes. "That isn't going to happen. Do you know how happy I would be to go out with my boyfriend and be able to hold his hand without fear of recrimination? Do you know what a relief it would be for Bessie to finally lay off my lack of romantic entanglement?"

"I know. She takes up a good chunk of my time with that same conversation. So do Doug and Gretchen, and that's a side of the story you don't have to deal with." I look over at her.

"Do you really feel like we should tell? We were 50/50 on keeping a secret before. Are you trying to tell me that the scales have tipped?"

She lets out a long breath and gives that quirky little half smile. "No. You know how I feel about making any sort of decision. I'm just thinking it might be nice to go public so we can, you know…"

"_Be_ public?" I supply.

"Exactly, and if you come to Boston with me then we can be public and you can punch any of the crew jocks that hit on me."

"Really?" I ask, and raise my eyebrows hopefully.

"No, not really! When have I ever tolerated physical violence that could result in assault charges and/or jail time?"

"I just feel like we're all growing apart anyway. If Dawson reacts badly to it—" she cuts herself off due to my skeptical, eyebrows-raised glance—" Well, then it won't really matter because he'll be on the other side of the country and we'll still have each other. You're more important to me than he is now, Pace."

"Really?" I repeat with a different tone than moments before.

"Of course you are. How do you not know that by now?"

I break into a wide smile. "It's just so good to hear you say it every once in a while, Potter. And it's even better when you back your words up."

She pushes me hard enough that I nearly fall over. I can see the look in her eyes, and I could see that look in her eyes for the rest of my life. Every time my reaction will be the same. She knows what she did, what she always does to me; her cheeks regain some of the flush from moments ago as a retort dies on her lips.

Just in time for us to hear the whoop from Doug's cruiser. I roll my eyes and sit up more fully as she backs away just enough that our distance is 'friendly' as opposed to 'overly-friendly'.

"Well, well, well…" Doug says, his boots tapping out an evenly metered rhythm on the worn wood planks. "I believe I witnessed some assault there, Miss Potter. What do you have to say for yourself?" He smiles and glances between us. "Please, don't tell me you were rehearsing for the school play, since that run ended over a month ago."

I try hard not to chuckle as he recalls one of our better excuses. He caught us by walking into the apartment just as we kissed on my makeshift bed (A.K.A the living room couch). Luckily enough, the play script happened to be open just next to us. Even better, it happened to be open to the kissing scene in the play. He seemed skeptical, but it was apparently too solid for him to attempt an argument.

"No, he was being an ass," she said simply. "He made a comment about my cleavage in this shirt."

Joey knows her audience well. Doug appears embarrassed to continue with her and redirects his line of questioning. He turns to me. "Why were you commenting on that aspect of a person you've told me more than once is like your sister?"

"I believe my exact words were 'nothing like' my sister." I look over. "Besides, look at her. How could I _not_ comment on her rack?"

Joey proceeds to hit me again on the upper arm. I pull away and rub the spot gingerly. I've previously mentioned all the reasons she isn't like a girl—I really ought to add her punching ability to that list.

Doug has grown completely uncomfortable with this situation. "Your little road trip is going to feel a lot longer than two weeks if you don't learn how to shut your mouth, Pacey."

"Apparently," I agree, shooting Joey the evil eye. She grins slyly. We're leaving, the whole group of us, for a road trip across country in three days. Basically, the goal is to drop Dawson off at USC for the summer film program, and then for the rest of us to return in one piece. Mitch and Gale have graciously agreed to loan us a large enough vehicle, complete with the small U-Haul trailer on the back for Dawson's belongings. They are then flying out to California to get him settled. "You'd think she would have learned to accept my disgusting personality by now."

"You'd think you would just learn to keep comments to yourself so you didn't get your butt kicked by a girl," she mocks sweetly, tipping her head to the side.

I echo her mocking glance back at her. "Hush up, or you'll get the butt-kicking you deserve."

Doug sighs tiredly. "I really just came over to tell you that I left some dinner in the fridge and it's all yours. I picked up the whole shift tonight, so…"

"You're working a graveyard on your first day off in a month?" I ask in amazement. I look covertly at Joey. I _know_ what Joey is thinking.

"Yeah," he says rather sullenly.

"So you don't get home until…"

"Oh-nine-hundred," he confirms.

"That sucks," I say. The small child in me wants to add _for you_, but the mature eighteen year old does not say it out loud.

"Yeah, well… it also pays for groceries and gym memberships," he points out.

"And decoupage?" I add innocently.

"Oh, I made a mistake. I am _way_ too tired to deal with you," Doug says on a sigh. I give him my most innocent grin. "Please stay out of trouble tonight, Pacey. I really don't want to arrest my younger brother _again_."

"Damn. I was really hoping to spend another night in the slammer." I look at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Good night, Pacey."

"Good night, Dougie." I say to his already-retreating form.

Joey turned to me squarely. "Maybe we could start with telling Doug. Do you think he would appreciate finding us cuddled up in bed together when he gets home?"

I groan, feeling her question sink immediately south. With that tone of voice, that was the effect she was going for anyway. "I doubt it; especially considering the only bed in the house is _his_. But you don't want to sleep on pink satin sheets any more than I do."

She frowns as she looks over at me. "His sheets are _pink_?"

"I don't know, I haven't checked. But I wouldn't be surprised."

"Does he have more than one set of sheets in the house?"

I raise my eyebrow at her, my blood audibly pumping through my veins now. "Well, there's only one way to find out, now isn't there?"

She gives me a more devious version of her half smile. "Let me just make up something to tell Bessie and I'll meet you there?"

"Deal," I agree. She leans in to "kiss on it" as has been our tradition when making these parting bargains.

Joey hurriedly buttons my shirt up to cover her nudity as I frantically search around for something to wear. "Thanks for taking my only shirt, by the way." I hiss sarcastically, finding a pair of Doug's Capeside PD sweatpants folded neatly on top of his hamper. At this point, I'm not even going to question it. I'm not going to try and find my underwear, because let's face it – they were gone a long time ago. I glance over at Joey in the loud print button-down shirt. It hangs loosely on her, the sleeves sinking down well past her elbows because her shoulders are slender and slightly hunched. The bottom of the shirt hits her mid-thigh. I'm slightly distracted in staring at her legs.

"Pacey," she hisses in panic as another rap sounds on the door.

I smile and kiss her firmly as she pushes me out of Doug's room. "You look totally hot," I say, feeling my erection come back to life after it was so rudely interrupted.

"No time!" She says simply, allowing the door to click closed. I allow myself one deep breath as I approach the front door. Unfortunately, it's Dawson. He looks at me strangely.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?"

I look down over myself. There is no acceptable explanation for wearing Doug's slightly unclean sweatpants. After lying to everyone I know for this long, I should be able to come up with something. "I was just getting into the shower," I substitute. _There it is._

"I'm sorry. I can go if you need… is that a hickey?"

I raise my hand to the spot on my chest he's staring at. "Bruise," I say simply, completely bypassing the fact that he's looking at my _naked_ chest. "What brings you by?"

"Well…" he begins and pushes past me. He takes a seat on the couch. For a moment, I'm vaguely grateful that we were testing Doug's bed out. "I wanted to ask you what you know about Joey these days."

I frown, feeling my stomach sink further than is biologically possible. "Why?"

"Well, she cut out early tonight saying she had her paper route in the morning, but she isn't at home now. Have you seen her?"

I look around. "I don't see her now. Do you?" I ask. It isn't often I can get away with that kind of deceit. I really shouldn't press my luck. Dawson throws himself on the couch.

"Do you know if she's seeing anyone?"

"Why would I know?" I ask indignantly. "I'm nothing more to her than a charity case screaming for semi-weekly tutorials so I could make it through that social rite known as graduation. Word has it I'm on my own now."

"I think you're more to her than a charity case," he says. "But not a confidante? She hasn't said anything to you?"

"No."

He sighs and swings his arms out so he's in full recline against the back of the couch. He pulls one hand to his mouth. "I was thinking about doing something, and I want to ask your opinion."

I sit in the La-Z-Boy located perpendicular to the couch and lean in with a slight scowl. "Like what?"

"Well, I know that Joey and have been broken up for a very long time. Over two years, in fact. But the thing is that I don't think we've ever really been _over_. It's like we just put it in storage for a while until it's time to come out. I'm wondering if now might be that time."

My heartbeat at least triples. I'm sure Joey is listening from the other room, and I'm sure she has the same reaction. "Why would it be that time right before you guys settle in on opposite coasts?"

"Well, I was thinking a promise ring or something along those lines might be the security she needs to go off to Worthington and live her life but not get swept away by a promise any of those other boys might make. I want her to remember that she always has me to come back to, and even though she's out living her life now, I think that might be where she's headed."

"Isn't a promise ring, like, a step below getting engaged?"

"Yeah." Dawson admits.

"And you really think you're ready to take that kind of step in your life? We're eighteen, man." I say skeptically. I sit back in my chair, knowing that my words really contradict how I feel. If she and I weren't 100 per cent a secret, if there was any sort of comfort in a future we might have, it might think about it more. At the same time, I have real difficulty understanding where he's coming from. They aren't even in anything remotely resembling a relationship.

"Well, it was always meant to be Joey for me, wasn't it? If not her, who would it be?"

"I'm not questioning anything about how great Joey is. I'm just saying that right before you both head off to college may not be the time to make such a life-altering promise." I clear my throat and try to slip a glance toward Doug's bedroom door. I don't need to see her face, though. I can imagine the look on it. And the look is something resembling pure panic, a look that says I should do whatever I can to get her out of this. "If it's meant to be, it'll work out, right? Why would you want to tie her down and limit her experience more?"

He sighs. "I don't know. I just feel like… like the longer we go without any acknowledgement of what she and I really are to each other, the longer we're both just wandering."

"I think that's the point of youth."

"Okay, Pacey-Wan-Kenobi."

I raise my eyebrow at him. "Seriously? I don't know if I've ever realized you're _that_ big of a film geek."

"You're just waxing all wise about Joey when five minutes ago you told me you didn't have the slightest clue. What's the deal with that?"

"The deal with that is that I'm speculating. Joey may not be your typical eighteen year old, what with the fact that's she's been an adult since the age of 12, but I don't know that she's prepared to accept what basically amounts to a proposal from you."

Dawson sighs. "Well, I have to at least find her and tell her how I feel. I don't think I'll be able to sleep without telling her. I don't know what happened. It was like a switch flipped when she left tonight."

I can feel myself deflate a little. "Well, then all I can do is wish you luck. I'll send her your way if I see her, but it's highly unlikely. You should just check back at the B&B tomorrow. My guess would be around noon, because if she isn't there now, she'll be sleeping after she's done with her paper route."

Dawson takes the hint of dismissal in my tone and stands. "Okay, thanks."

I nod, but I escape without eye contact, all the way through to the door. As I close the door, he looks at me with a smirk. "And I'm really glad that isn't a hickey. The celibacy oath has done wonders for your performance in school."

I smirk back and wish him a good night in a rather half-hearted tone. I shut the door and walk back to Doug's room slowly, arriving just in time to see her replacing the pillows on the remade bed. She's fully dressed in her own clothing, and she's even placed my underwear on the nightstand for me.

"So…" I say upon entrance. I don't want to scare her. Well, at least this time I don't want to.

"So…" she echoes, blowing out a long breath. She turns to sit on the bed and pats the spot next to her. "What am I supposed to say to that?" She looks over at me honestly.

"I'm going with 'no'. But I guess it depends a whole lot on what you want to say."

She takes a moment before she speaks, and pulls her bare foot up on the bed so she can hug her leg closer and rest her chin on it. "Do you remember when Dawson insisted on taking me to prom and he brought those earrings that were his mother's?"

"Yeah," I say slowly. Of course I remember. Dawson had recalled the long-ago musings of insecure high school freshmen who swore they would go to junior prom together if there weren't other options available to them, just so they could have the experience of going. Joey had been unable to invoke our relationship as a reason not to attend, so she went. And I sat at the same table with Andie as my date, and watched Dawson trying to get under Joey's skin all night. It was a long and brutal evening.

"Do you remember when we were able to sneak that dance outside, how you said those earrings weren't me because they were too showy and fancy?"

I look at her pointedly. That wasn't the only thing I told her that night. In fact, in the second-boldest declaration I've ever made to her, I told her I remembered everything. "Yes," I say, playing along and watching her carefully.

"Well, I think it's the same thing with a promise ring. I'm not really a promise ring kind of girl. At least, I don't think I am. I guess there's a whole lot to be said about the source offering such a thing, but on the whole, I'm not comfortable promising anything like that to _Dawson_."

"It's a big deal, accepting a ring of any kind from someone," I say slowly. "It's a lifelong sort of deal, which seems even larger when you're only eighteen."

She reaches over and rests a hand on my shoulder. "A lifetime doesn't seem so long in other circumstances, Pacey."

"Like what ones?" I push, knowing it's a bold question and it will most likely get me into trouble. The first morning after we'd had sex, I had told her I could do the sweetness and sarcasm for the rest of our lives. And she had backed away slightly with her jaw open in terror. She had told me then that a lifetime seemed like eternity to her and she was in no way prepared to see that far into the future.

She looks away and shrugs her shoulder. "Like maybe these ones right here," she mumbles so softly that I'm not sure I hear her correctly.

"You mean between me and you?" I say, speaking the harder part for her. She finally meets my prodding gaze.

"Yes," she confirms. Not actually having to say the words tends to make a huge difference for her. After this bit of sweetness, though, the sarcasm naturally follows. "You know, unless we want to continue keeping it a secret and all."

I take both of her hands in mine and pull her toward me. "We can tell whenever you want. The way I see it? Two weeks in a car is going to be torture either way. It just depends on which kind."

She smiles a little. "Well, it's good to know I have that kind of effect on you."

"You always have and you always will," I say simply.

"That's good to know, too." She snuggles into my arms. I knew as soon as Dawson literally entered the picture that our wild night of debauchery was finished. But I can handle the waking up next to her, too.

* * *

_The signal is subtle we pass just close enough to touch_

_No questions, no answers_

_We know by now to say enough_

_With only simple words, with only subtle turns_

_The things we feel alone for one another_

_There is a secret that we keep_

_I won't sleep if you won't sleep_

_Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given_

_We are compelled to do what we must do_

_We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden_

_So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight_

_Our act of defiance_

_We keep this secret in our blood_

_No paper or letters_

_We pass just close enough to touch_

_We love in secret names_

_We hide in our veins_

_The things that keep us bound to one another_

_There is a secret that we keep_

_I won't sleep if you won't sleep_

_Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given_

_We are compelled to do what we must do_

_We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden_

_Until the last resilient hope frozen deep within my lungs_

_And this broken fate has claimed me and my memory for its own_

_Your name is pounding through my veins_

_Can't you hear how it is sung?_

_And I can taste you in my mouth_

_While the words escape my lungs_

_And I whisper only once…_

_There is a secret that we keep_

_I won't sleep if you won't sleep_

_Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given_

_We are compelled to do what we have to_

_We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden_

_Because you will be somebody's girl_

_And you will keep each other warm_

_But tonight I am feeling the cold_

_(The Secret's in the Telling)—Dashboard Confessional_


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you sure?" I ask Joey as she appears in the front door. She looks discreetly over her shoulder and steps down onto the faded wooden porch. She closes the front door of the B&B tightly behind her. She promptly takes my face in her hands and plants a long kiss on me.

"I'm sorry, I just had to address one issue at time," she says sweetly as she pulls away. My eyes are still closed and I briefly imagine that my lips stay puckered like a very confused fish. I open them and grin at her. "I think Bessie and Bodie are the perfect way to test the waters of honesty. And I think dinner the night before we leave with everyone is the best time. It won't give her time to revoke her permission without giving the unknowing Gale a satisfactory explanation. And it might even provide you with a real bed to sleep in tonight before you take the five a.m. round of driving."

I smirk at her. "Firstly, I doubt we're really leaving at five. Secondly, Bessie is _not_ as liberal as you just made her sound. Thirdly, kiss me again." I say, reaching for her just in time to hear the front door open. We awkwardly spread apart and Bodie greets me warmly.

"Dinner is served." He says simply, leaving the door open behind him. We were very relieved when he invited me to join them for family dinner because it also gave us this opportunity. It provides a safe space for us to begin revealing our relationship. This will be a summer of complicated decisions, the most final of which will be if I move to Boston or not. After a long talk at Doug's three nights ago, we decided it was for the best to start revealing ourselves.

Joey walks in casually in front of me, swaying her hips slightly. I know that's for my benefit. She has expressed great amusement at the fact that, when she is wearing this particular sundress, I have great difficulty removing my eyes from any part of her body. I know she likes the way my eyes feel on her, because she's walking that way. I've never seen Joey Potter give another boy a little booty shaking.

I gratefully accept the seat next to hers, as I have done many times in the past. My welcome in this house, unlike a great many other places, has never been worn out. Bodie still makes a point of bestowing me with freshly baked gifts to express appreciation for my hand in getting the B&B up and running while he was away trying to provide for his family. He also makes a point of inviting me to dinner, knowing that Doug's family dinner skills usually amount to take out at best and frozen meals at worst.

And Bodie has put on a full spread tonight. The weather has been warm enough that I wasn't expecting anything requiring full use of ovens or stoves. All the windows are open to allow a meager breeze in off the water. The breeze is barely enough to make it comfortable inside.

"So, Bodie, do you want me to help you get the air conditioner up and running before we leave?" I ask as we begin passing around various serving plates. The plates are not stacked as high as other times, as this is two days before the summer rush really hits, so it's the family only tonight. For some reason, they have a glorious lull in between Memorial Day and now while people are finishing up their pre-summer business.

"Thanks, but Bessie is going to give me a hand later in the week. It's supposed to stay in the low eighties until next week, so the windows are more than enough ventilation."

"Okay," I agree. My hand brushes Joey's as she passes me the basket of bread, and the contact makes my skin tingle. It takes all my concentration not to drop the bowl. I steal one more glance at her in that sundress, but I can't allow myself more than that. We've already decided we won't say anything until we're sitting around bullshitting with a pitcher of lemonade making the rounds.

"Oh," Bodie says suddenly. "I forgot to mention that I invited the Leery's over for dessert tonight. Gale and I got to talking earlier at the restaurant and she said we should do something since Dawson is leaving with you guys tomorrow. Their schedule was otherwise filled with packing him up, but they did agree to dessert."

I shoot a panicked look in Joey's direction. I'm guessing it's okay that I'm so indiscreet because she's looking at me in much the same way.

"Well, I guess we should dispense with our pre-planned conversation, then." Joey says. It is out loud for everyone to hear, but I know she's directing it at me.

"What pre-planned conversation?" Bessie says, looking between us for an explanation. Bodie is equally alert.

"Well…" she begins lamely, looking over at me for support. I can tell the words are already stuck in her throat.

"Joey and I are seeing each other," I blurt out and look at her apologetically.

The room grows uncomfortably quiet as we all look around at each other. No one touches a fork or glass for what feels like a lifetime. In our earlier conversation about a lifetime seeming short, I'm guessing neither of us had experienced this kind of overwhelming silence.

"How long?" Bessie finally says, breaking eye contact with anyone to finally stare hard at her plate. When neither of us volunteers an answer, because we're both desperately hoping the other one will, Bessie looks up. "How long?" She repeats softly.

She only does soft when she's about to become very, very loud.

"A little over a year," Joey admits quietly while looking at her own lap.

"A year?" Bessie echoes in surprise. Bodie is watching her intently, gauging her reaction.

"It all started happening after Dad went back… went away," Joey amends for Alexander's benefit. He's still eating happily, blissfully aware in the way only an almost four year old can be as long as there's food around.

"And you just never said anything?" Bessie volleys right back.

I feel the need to protect Joey. I feel the need to jump in and say something, anything to take the spotlight off her for a moment. "We didn't want Dawson to find out. So we didn't tell anyone. We still haven't told… well, besides you now… "

"And what exactly does all this entail? Are we talking dates and roses when no one is looking… sex in the truck in a deserted parking lot… what?"

Joey looks over at me hesitantly, licking her lips. I match her worried expression, and slip my eyes closed under the weight of full admission. "A little of both," I finally respond. I know Joey's eyes close so she doesn't have to watch, too. I reach blindly to find her hand under the table, only a little surprised to find her hand while it was seeking mine. I give her palm a squeeze.

"And how does this affect school, Joey?" Bodie offers when Bessie's silence gets to be too much and Joey starts to tear up.

"It doesn't. I'm still going to school as planned and Pacey… well, he's trying to decide if he's going to move to Boston or find something else for himself."

"Unless you get pregnant," Bessie offers in a deadly calm voice.

Joey's trying to remain neutral. "Well, that's always possible, but…"

"We're being careful," I intercede. "As careful as we can possibly be, in all aspects of this."

"Yeah, so careful I had no idea." Bessie fights back. Joey's grip on my hand gets a little tighter. I'm not sure if she means it as a warning or if she needs to keep holding on. "So where is the fine line between lying and telling the truth here? How many study sessions or play practices were real?"

"All that was real," Joey says simply. "We have tried very hard not to lie to you. I can't say the same for everyone else, but the only real lie we've told you is one of omission."

"And what are your intentions here, Pacey? You know that… you know Dawson won't be very accepting of it. So…" Bessie says, her voice starting to rise. Bodie is monitoring Alexander's progress through his dinner very intently, presumably so he can whisk the boy away before this gets ugly. It seems like it's going to get ugly.

"Dawson is mattering less and less as time goes by," I begin. "And my intention is to have a real relationship with Joey for as long as I can see."

"A real relationship would imply that other people know."

"You're right." I say seriously. "We just wanted to tell you first.'

"So you're going on this road trip together and… and you're going to just be together the whole time?" Bessie has tears in her eyes. She's one of those people that gradually builds understanding. She isn't always immediately supportive, but she nearly always comes around in the end.

"We don't plan on telling Dawson right now, so not exactly. We'll just continue as we have done until after we leave California. We plan on talking to Jack and Jen while we're gone, though. And we'll deal with Doug and Gretchen when we get home," Joey explains.

"I guess if it's been that long and this isn't some new and lusty phase, I just have one more question," she says. She's still eerily calm, and has only raised her voice once or twice. I know we're both waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Are you happy when you're together?"

"Yes," Joey answers immediately. I watch her for any signs of hesitation or doubt, but I see nothing except a small smile.

"Then take care of each other." She says simply. She directs her gaze at me. "And I hope you'll give more thought to going to Boston with Joey. There's nothing worse than needless separation." At this point, Bessie flees the dinner table and doesn't look at anyone. We hear their bedroom door close and look around at each other.

Joey looks at me first and Bodie second. She directs her comments to Bodie. "Well, I guess that could've gone much worse. Do you want to go or should I?"

"You go ahead," he says, watching her immediately accept this responsibility and disappear down the hall. He turns to me.

"Considering you're having sex with a woman who is like my little sister, do I need to dive into a safety conversation or dispense any warnings?"

I chuckle. "No. That won't be necessary."

"Good." He says simply. "Hurt her or her bright and shiny future and you're ass is grass, Witter," he intones through gritted teeth, although not in an angry tone.

"Understood," I respond.

"Well, then I'm glad we had this conversation." He says, standing to scoop Alex up in his arms. "I think we need to get you into the bathtub."

I think his assessment is correct. There are already mashed potatoes dotting Alex's hair and a variety of vegetables caked into his clothes and all over his face. He has yet to stop playing with his food.

I am alone in the room and I can hear Bodie starting a bath for Alex, but over the running water, I swear I hear laughter from the back bedroom, and it makes me smile.

* * *

"So I'm glad Bodie forgot the ice cream and all, but we probably should kick it up a notch." Joey says. We're strolling to the market and enjoying the only alone time we'll have all evening now that Bessie is watching us carefully and the Leerys are coming over. By the time we get back to the space where we just unleashed our secret, we'll have to tuck it all back into hiding again.

"It really went okay, didn't it?" I ask in amazement, swinging our hands for more emphasis where they are loosely linked.

"I think it did," she echoes. "I was scared for a while."

"What did you guys talk about back in the bedroom? I thought I could hear you laughing, and I'm concerned about the subject matter."

"She just asked me girl questions. Questions only a sister would ask." She looks over at me with a smile. "I realized how nice it will be to have another girl to talk things over with now. We've been flying solo for so long now that I had lost sight of what it's like to have another perspective on a relationship."

"Is she mad about the sex?" I ask hesitantly.

"I don't think so. I think she knows that it happens. And she said she was glad it was you I was fooling around with and not a stranger."

"I think it's safe to say my sexual history has been sufficiently broadcast so that I'm not a stranger to many around these parts," I say. I know at various times, Joey has been highly uncomfortable about the fact that I actually have a sexual history. She's been more than highly uncomfortable about parts of it being shared with someone as experienced as Tamera.

"Until now," she fills in gently.

"Until now," I agree. "But I'm happy to shout it from the rooftops if you so desire. Just so we can quell those rumors about you liking other girls better."

"I'm pretty sure the short dresses and making out with other guys in the halls have taken care of those rumors."

"Who are these other guys?" I ask skeptically. She brings herself to a gradual stop. When I do the same, she plants another kiss on me much like her initial greeting.

"What was that for?" I ask as she pulls away.

"Because we won't be able to do it for a little while, that's all."

"We could blow this whole dessert and family thing off and go behind, say… that tree… " I say, casually pointing in the general direction of a wooded area behind the row of shops.

"Yeah, that wouldn't arouse Bessie's suspicion," she scoffs as we resume walking. "Or prompt her to send Bodie out looking for us with a baseball bat."

"I thought you said it was all okay." I frown slightly, missing the feel of her hand in mine as we walk.

"Well, I don't think she's going to do anything drastic, but I don't think she's okay with her young, unmarried sister having sex."

"She's not married and they have a four year old," I point out.

"Yeah, well… there's something about the parental role she's been playing that puts her firmly in denial when it comes to me and those kinds of things. She usually seems to snap out of it, given the proper time and distance from the more adult choices I'm making."

"Like going to college?"

"Exactly," she says as I reach out and open the door to the market. She looks at me with a smile and goes past.

"Well, hello," the market owner says cordially. "If it isn't my two favorite troublemakers stopping by on a Friday evening."

I chuckle as Joey goes back toward the frozen section. The senior man and his wife who own the market are my parents' neighbors. His wife even watched me a time or two when my mom went to visit various relatives for a break from all things domestic and mundane. "How are things around here tonight, Luke?"

"Pretty slow. It's not quite summer yet, so…"

"So you're closing up shop a little early?"

"That's right. I'm gonna go sit on the front porch with my girl and watch the sunset." He says, swiping at the cashier counter once. I think of being able to say that when I'm sixty with that same mischievous little glint in my eye. For some additional reason, I think deep down that I believe it will be Joey I'm going home to. I don't know where the thought comes from, but she comes up from the back of the store in time to save me from it.

"Do you think peach or vanilla?" She asks skeptically, holding up the half gallon of each.

Bodie made his peach pie for dessert, which makes this a tough decision.

"Just get both," I say finally, reaching for my wallet.

"Bodie gave us money, Pacey." She objects as she sets both cartons down.

"Your money's no good here, Witter," Luke says with a wink.

"Oh, Mr. James, we can certainly…" Joey begins, but her protest is quickly killed.

"Just take it home and watch the sunset with your girl."

"Now, hold on a minute—" Joey begins to protest again.

He chuckles and winks at us as he bags the ice cream. "In fact, I think there's one more carton of this peach ice cream back there. I may have to go claim it for myself."

"It's the best around," I say amiably and wink right back at him and I put my hand on Joey's back to escort her from the store. Her jaw is still a little slack. Come to think of it, especially since we've been dodging the public eye for a long while, she may not know of my history with the James family and their apple tree.

"How did you… do you just have to lay the charm on with everyone?"

"And here I've heard you were a quick learner." I say, rolling my eyes. She grins satisfactorily, knowing I've picked the habit up from her. In fact, she's commented in a sarcastic manner on this newfound habit of mine once or twice in the past. "Oh, shut up." I say, trying to quell the insults that are sure to come. "I did not."

"You rolled your eyes," she says, tilting her head to the side sweetly. "So how do you know Mr. James so well?"

"The James' are my parents' neighbors. Lila used to watch me for a few days here and there when my mom went out of town. In exchange, I would climb to the very top of their apple tree to pick the ripe ones before they fell."

"Well, that's very Mayberry of you, Pace."

"I prefer to think of it as Pleasantville Revisited."

"I'm sure you do, what with the fiery tree representing self-pleasure and all."

"Damn, you know your audience." I say. She looks over her shoulder to make sure we're a safe distance from anyone before she takes my hand again.

"Well, wasn't that Dawson's first great screenwriting lesson to us?" She says, her voice going suddenly soft. She takes a deep breath. "Now isn't really the time to start second-guessing, is it?"

I look over at her. Her voice is soft, but her grip is not. "Probably not," I begin. "But we've done all of this because we know our audience. We know that time and distance is going to be necessary here." I try not to smile as I add my next thought. "Besides, sometimes it is so very, very good to be bad."

She breaks her hold on my hand to swat at my shoulder as we round to the secluded private lane that her home helms. "Very funny, Pacey. I was trying to be serious."

"But try as you might, it just doesn't work when I'm around." I say, finishing her sentence sweetly. I can already see Dawson, his parents, Bessie, Bodie, and Alexander out back. It looks as though Dawson has brought Jen with him, too. I guess that's good. Wherever Jen goes, so goes Jack, so I can hear him even though I can't see him. Ever since Andie made the decision to take the early graduation and forego walking with the rest of our class to move to Italy with her ill aunt, Jack has been a constant presence in the Lindley/Ryan household. I think they're glad to have him back, truthfully. I think he's also glad to be back.

"So, it appears we have the whole circle to contend with." Joey says softly, noting their presence at the same time I do.

"Why yes it does." I clear my throat. "Is it starting to bother you?"

We step onto the faded wood porch of the B&B before she turns to me and shrugs with a sad smile. "It's not like I regret anything. I guess I'm just starting to feel the tension of telling everyone. It's a new form of pressure, because we decided to keep it secret so immediately that I've never really had to deal with all this. I think telling Bessie just made it sort of real. I don't mean _us_ but I mean what we've been doing to our friends for so long."

I sigh and look out toward the creek. "Yeah, I guess I know what you're saying. It kind of sinks into you like a lead weight, so I could understand…"

"Don't even finish that thought, Pacey," she says, putting a finger to my lips. "Because I think you're going to finish it with saying that you could understand if I was starting to second guess everything. I'm not. I hope you aren't, either."

I smile. "No."

"Good."

"Is that ice cream I hear?" Jen says from inside the house. The wooden front door is open to let a breeze through the screen door, so we can hear her loud and clear. It makes me wonder _what_ she actually heard. I look over a Joey, catching just a shadow of her guilty glance before she opens the screen door to enter. The feeling we were just discussing is bearing down on me now with greater force than ever before. At least I know we'll both be very relieved to have it out in the open. I blow a deep breath out of my mouth, one I didn't realize I was holding, and enter through the door she's holding open.


	3. Chapter 3

Bessie greets me with an amused chuckle as I enter the kitchen. I'm pretty sure my eyes are actually closed and the kitchen I'm seeing is the memory that has seared itself into the back of my eyelids. They did, in fact, allow me to stay the night. I should amend it to add that I was allowed to stay in a vacant room across the house from Joey's. I suppose it was no small coincidence that Bessie and Bodie's room was between me and Joey.

"You look as asleep as I used to this early in the morning," she says softly.

"I have no trouble getting up _before_ the crack of dawn," I assure her. I yawn and finally pull my eyes open.

She moves to find me a clean mug and pour some coffee into it. As she slides it in front of me, I inhale and smile gratefully. "Thank you. Is Joey up yet?"

"No. I haven't even heard her alarm go off." Her look suddenly grows stern. "Don't you even think about going in there and waking her up." 

"I won't." I say, but I smirk. "Told her there was no way in hell we were going to be on the road by five."

She chuckles. "If you're accepting bets, my best guess is ten." 

I nod. "I'd give you that, but I agree." I know I shouldn't ask her, but I almost have to. There is no way we could be alone in the kitchen without my asking. "Are you really okay with the whole me and Joey secret thing?" 

Bessie blows out a deep sigh and takes a long pull from her coffee mug. I smile faintly as I notice the chipped heart and the words "World's Greatest Mom" printed on the ceramic; probably Joey's first attempt at a Mother's Day present. The reason I say that is because 'mom' is crossed out with permanent marker, and written beneath it is 'sister/guardian'. "I guess it depends on your intentions. I was pretty surprised Joey could keep anything of that magnitude a secret for so long. My biggest question is why." 

"In a word?" I volunteer. "Dawson." I trace my finger around the edge of the mug she poured for me. "All this really started suddenly, and neither of us felt like we were in a place to risk his friendship. We were also a little afraid of what it would do to _our_ relationship to have his prying eyes involved." I blow out a deep breath. "I think we're a little less afraid now."

"Well, I would hope your relationship would be stronger after a year."

I look up at her and meet her concerned gaze. "Yeah," I agree, my voice barely an echo. "Plus, we were so nervous that I wasn't going to graduate and that I would have to stay here and redo parts of my senior year. Getting me through that was a big deal because, in a way, it frees me up to go with her."

"Is that what you really want?" Bessie asks, leveling her gaze at me. It isn't so much concerned for Joey anymore. It's concerned for _me._

"I want to be with her and take her on a real date, out in public. I want to buy her flowers and be all cheesy and romantic on Valentine's Day. I want to be able to go to a movie with our friends and hold her hand. If I have to be in Boston for that to take place, then so be it." 

"What about finding your own way?"

"Well, that's a whole different question, now isn't it?" I say with a chuckle. I look away from her. "Can I tell you something I haven't told Joey yet?"

She offers a sly smile. "I guess that depends on what _it_ is. But it would be nice to be in on the secret." 

I smile back at her. "Doug got to be good friends with a guy from Falmouth while he was in the police academy. The guy's twin brother owns a pretty nice restaurant out there. Doug says there's a job for me there if I want it."

"A restaurant, huh? What kind of job are we talking? " Bessie says. I know she's immediately thinking of the disastrous falling out of the Icehouse.

"It would be back of the house on the prep line."

"You would have to be to work pretty early for that."

"Yeah," I agree. "And Danny, the guy who owns it, says if I show enough promise he would sponsor me through culinary school."

"What prompted him to make that offer?" She asks, leaning in.

"He apparently really, really needs a Sous Chef to be in charge when he can't be there, and would rather train someone than hire someone. That weekend Doug and I went fishing before graduation was actually kind of a job interview. We went with Doug's friend and with Danny. He made me cook the fish we caught on a grill and stood over my shoulder the whole time." I smile and look down. "It was kinda fun, and he said I didn't look too stupid to do the job."

Bessie smiles. "Well, I hope that works out for you. Why haven't you told Joey yet?"

"I don't know," I say and scratch my cheek. "I love her, but it was nice to have something that was just mine for a little while, you know? I almost feel like I'm not following her. I was going to wait and see how this trip goes with the telling everyone before I say anything." I take my first sip of the coffee.

There is a moment of silence between us before Bessie continues. "You never answered my question, Pace." She looks at me again with that direct look that lets me know there's no way I'm getting out of this. "What are your intentions for my sister?"

I think back to Mr. James and smile. "Well, right now it's just to get the hell out of dodge. But long term?" I drop my voice and my head. "I want to grow old on a porch swing in front of the sunset with her."

"And you think Joey's on the same page?" She asks. It should be noted that she doesn't sound skeptical, just curious.

"I guess we'll find out, now won't we?" I say, taking another drink of coffee as I hear Joey's alarm from down the hall.

"Just… please be careful?" She says, lowering her voice. She looks at me very seriously. "I mean, that's my little sister, you know? And I can already see her heading down a road I've been down. She was so happy last night when we were talking in my bedroom, and I have to let go and let you guys realize that you're adults now. But that doesn't mean I want anything bad to happen."

"I will," I say simply. "And just so you have another heads up, Dawson came and saw me the other night. He said he wants to give Joey a promise ring."

"Oh, that sounds like an awkward conversation."

"Yeah," I agree. "Especially because Joey was hiding in the other room and heard every word of it. But he made it sound like he might do something on this trip, so she might call you…"

Bessie sighs. "Dawson is really as head-in-the-clouds as ever, isn't he?"

"Yes," I say simply. "I tried to talk him out of it, but I don't really know what he's going to do. Honestly, I think this is a lot of the reason Joey wants the truth to come out now." 

"No matter when it happens, you know that you're both going to lose him, right? I'm not saying it's right or very grown-up, but it's going to take him some time to come around." 

"I don't think he's going to come around." I say honestly, flatly. "The question is just what Joey does with that."

Bessie nods. "Well, there's a new wind blowin', Pace. I haven't seen her hang out with him or heard her talk about him _at all_ in a long time. I wonder if she's already rejecting him because of all this."

"It could be, but I've been careful not to talk to her about that." I shrug. "Who am I to question if she wants to spend more time with me? It's not like I'm about to argue."

Bessie smiles and gets up to find another mug. I turn and see Joey in the doorway to the kitchen. "Mornin', sunshine." I say, forcing my voice to be overly bright.

"Morning? Is that what this god-forsaken time of day is called?" She asks, wandering over to the table with practiced ease and dropping into an empty chair next to me.

"You know, you registered for some 7:30 am classes. You'll probably be getting up this early on a semi-regular basis." I point out as Bessie sets coffee down in front of her.

"Live on campus. Less than one block away from class." She says in small bursts. "And there's always the possibility of switching to a later section."

Bessie places the mug in front of her with a smile. "You might want to do that now and save yourself the trouble of sleeping through class."

"Or you may want to buck up because Dawson's so excited to get to school that he's pulling up as we speak."

Her head shoots up. "How are we going to explain the fact that you're here?"

"Umm," I stall as Bessie goes to answer the door before Dawson rings the doorbell and wakes everyone else up. "We'll just.."

"Hey… Pacey. What are you doing here this early?" Dawson says as he appears in the kitchen, with Bessie firmly on his heels looking apologetic.

"Doug asked me to find other accommodations for the evening so I didn't wake him up leaving this morning since he worked late last night. Bodie asked me to look at the air conditioning. Factor in the late dinner/dessert party last night, and I ended up crashing here."

"Did you crash here with your bag to take on the trip?" He asks slowly, looking at Joey with a wry grin of amusement. Her head is resting on her arm, on the table, and her eyes are closed.

"That I did," I say, trying not to make my extended glance at her too obvious. As tense as she was just a moment earlier, I think she really is asleep again. "I'll go grab mine and hers and load them up." I do exactly as promised, smirking at Jen asleep on Jack's chest and Jack asleep with his face pressed against the window, and come back to find Dawson drinking Joey's coffee. Joey's head is still on the table and my guess is that she's returned to her previous state of slumber.

"Well, I guess we're off." I say uncertainly. I put my hand on Joey's shoulder, knowing that I must tread carefully here. According to Bodie in our post-dessert dish-washing session last night, my feelings for her are written all over my face, all the time. Bodie says he doesn't know how they missed it for so long because it really is obvious. That was comforting. "Jo.."

She makes a small noise and snuggles deeper into her arm. I sigh and finally pick her up from the chair. She's still wearing her lavender spaghetti-tank top and pants with matching print. I hope she's not embarrassed by that. "Bessie, she left her sandals in the doorway. Will you please grab those and I guess we'll be off?" 

"Okay," Bessie agrees and approaches her room. I breathe a sigh of relief that I had the foresight to get dressed. Or maybe it was the fact that I slept naked and don't consider myself an exhibitionist. Bessie comes out to the truck with the requested flip-flops and a soft fleece blanket that I recognize as always being on Joey's bed. Joey told me once that Bessie made it for her shortly after their mom died.

I've got her loaded in the third seat of Jack and Jen's row, and I lay her on Jen's shoulder. I buckle the seatbelt and lay the blanket over her. Dawson is absorbed in finding the perfect CD to start our morning drive and Bessie is the only other person awake. I sneak a soft kiss on the cheek and Joey sighs softly. I smile and look over at Bessie. 

"Thanks. I'll have her call you at our first stop when she's a little more with it."

"Thanks," Bessie echoes. "You guys have a good trip." 

"We will," I agree, giving her a reassuring grip on the arm before I claim my spot in the passenger's seat in front. Joey and I had discussed that she would be sleeping through our departure, knowing her early-morning waking habits as I do. Still, I smile knowing that we have that level of comfort with each other. I essentially just tucked her in and said goodbye to Bessie _for_ her and that belies a lot of intimacy. I just hope Dawson won't pick up on it. The only time he notices things is when you don't want him to.

"I guess I should say thanks for staying awake," Dawson says as he backs out of the long dirt driveway.

"Sure. Bessie offered me coffee when I woke up anyway. After the coffee she makes, there is no going back to sleep."

"Tell me about it. I downed the whole mug she poured for Joey," he echoes. He looks in his rear-view mirror. "I'm guessing Joey could've used it more."

I chuckle. "I don't think it would matter. You and I both know the likelihood that girl is going to rise and shine before ten a.m. when school is out."

Dawson sighs. "I guess I owe everyone a bit of an apology. I'm so anxious to get to school that the early morning call time didn't bother me." He glances in his rear-view mirror and I pretend, very narrowly, not to be completely shocked that he may be considering someone else's feelings.

"Well, you won't be apologizing when we hit the morning traffic in New York. We should get there about—"

He groans. "Just after eight a.m."

"If we're lucky," I conclude. "We'll have the Boston traffic to handle first."

Dawson rolls his eyes. "You are way more pragmatic than me. Why don't I ever think of these things? "

"You totally just rolled your eyes like Joey. Don't let her catch you doing that, she won't shut up about it."

"So, what's up with you two lately?" He asks out of nowhere. I turn my head quick so I can pretend I was already looking out the window.

"Meaning what, exactly?" I ask, trying desperately not to clear my throat. It's been not so gently pointed out that I tend to do that a lot when I'm nervous or lying. More specifically, it was pointed out by Joey right after we started our covert dating ops. And she pointed out that I was doing it all the time around our friends.

"Meaning you two seem awfully close lately. You're always over there. You carried her out to the car this morning. It seems to me you would've been afraid of being punched had you tried that sometime last week."

"Is there a note of accusation in there?" I ask, my eyebrows knitting together as I look at him for the first time since he asked the question. And I mean _really _looking at him. He's all tense and whatnot.

"I'm just saying… ever since I came to talk to you_ in confidence_ about her, you're always around. I haven't found any time to be alone with her at all." 

"Well, Dawson, maybe if you were paying attention to anything besides yourself, you would realize that in my presence, Bodie has been absent. He's been at that fresh seafood class in Maine for your parents' restaurant for almost two weeks up until yesterday. With summer coming, there is a lot of maintenance required at a bed and breakfast, especially one as booked out as they are. Walls need to be repainted, broken guest beds and door stops need to be fixed, and a whole host of other things that I wouldn't dream of leaving in Bessie or Joey's capable yet overworked hands." My irritation is approaching fever pitch. I barely notice the groan from the backseat as my voice continues to rise. "Plus, Doug has been working really screwy hours and has asked that I make myself scarce since my waking hours don't really coincide with his. It's not like I can go back to my loving childhood home since my father emancipated my ass when I was sixteen and—"

"What's going on, Pacey?" Joey asks. I look back to see her sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

I drop my head. It's possible I was talking a wee bit loud. "I'm sorry, Jo. Go back to sleep."

She looks so much like a lost child trying to get her bearings that it makes me a little sad. "So we're already on the road?"

"Yup," I say.

"But you're okay, right? You were talking so loud it woke me up."

"I'm sorry," I volley immediately, trying to change the timbre of my voice. "I'll try to keep it down. Go back to sleep."

She looks between me and Dawson skeptically and also maybe a little sadly. "Okay," she agrees. She snuggles back down into her blanket and I feel my jaw tighten again.

"Look, Pacey, I didn't mean to—" Dawson begins.

I'm sure he's going to come up with some half-assed excuse for an apology. Some sort of 'I'm sorry but…' sort of routine. Instead, I cut him off. "You know, just don't. Let's not talk right now," I say, reaching over to turn up the music he's already selected. I look out the window, rather than making eye contact, and let my mind wander.

It was about this time last year that Joey and I started admitting how we felt about each other. Well, it was about this time last year that it happened out loud and in a physical sort of way. I suppose it was sometime around third grade that I admitted how I felt about her to myself. So much of it seems like a blur. We spent last summer working virtually side-by-side. I was working on my boat, which is still sitting in dry-dock from the winter and awaiting funding for a few finishing touches. The physicality of it really helped me face everything that happened with Andie—the sanding, scrubbing, resurfacing and rebuilding—but it seemed like I came to terms with it before everything on the boat was finished. Joey was working at the marina then, diving into full-time hours before the school year was officially over.

_What do you think Dawson is going to say? _

She asked me that question exactly once. We had already agreed that the year had been very turbulent for all of us and that this kind of shake-up would not be beneficial to anyone. It would just ensure that Joey and I would become further isolated, even though that's what was already happening. Dawson was off exploring the world of "does it still count as virginity if the sex was oral?", and deeply engrossed in his ever-changing stable family dynamic. Jack was torn between leaning on Andie and leaning on Jen. It was once again Joey and I, thrown together because that's how our lives have seemed to work.

We have the most in common. We understand the fundamental flaws of a barely functional and socially inadequate family. She may not have been abused by her father, but really escaped that world so narrowly that I can really lean on her when my own fatherly situation is less than ideal. Or _absent_ as it has been of late.

We both understand flying under the high school social radar, if for no other reason than to avoid being the subject of their fodder.

The answer to Joey's question was a resounding vote of non-support. Dawson would exclude us both. Dawson would be angry and would tip the balance of friendship that we'd both worked so hard to maintain because it was the closest thing to normal and stable we both had. Dawson would cut us off.

And now I find myself wondering if that's really such a bad thing. Somewhere in the last few years, Joey and I have become each other's common denominators. We rely on each other more than we rely on him. Our relationship is _normal._ Well, other than the lying to our friends to keep it all calm. I just know that now I don't care what Dawson will say. Along the way, it stopped being about him and started being about _us_. It's what we both needed to stay sane. It's what we both wanted to be happy. She's the key to all of that for me.

She and I have our own code. I know when she wants to leave somewhere so we can be alone. I know when she's tired, lonely, bored, frustrated, sad or happy. She doesn't have to say a word. I can just _tell_. Somewhere along the way, blood brother be damned, I fell in love. She isn't "his" girl anymore. She's _my_ girl. She's _my _everything.


End file.
